Family Secret - Divulging Abuse From In

One of the hardest pieces of news a family can hear is from within. To learn that another has been, abused by a member of your family, a close relative you've understood all your life, is disastrous. I know because I have been on both sides of that coin, both declaring it to my own relatives and recieving the news. For the PTSD sufferer it's one of the bravest but most ambitious steps towards recovery. By unveiling the secret, breaking the quiet and putting your spirit and your experiences out in the open for those you love most to question and understand, you are fixing. The choice to tell family members that you simply have PTSD - and maybe more significantly, what the injury which caused it was - is one that many sufferers agonize over.

Imagine if they don’t believe me? I am going to create a rift in the family. I'm upsetting the apple cart. So there’s no stage causing all this heartbreak it’s in yesteryear, -- these are only the beginnings of various trains of thought a sufferer is likely to go through when debating whether to ‘ tell not or ’. It is difficult enough when the perpetrator isn't a part of the family, a buddy, maybe, in the case of sexual abuse. However, if the victim and the abuser share the same family, it becomes a great deal dirtier. Everyone understands what you as a survivor of abuse have been through, and once the naming and shaming of the abuser is out there, there’s no going back.

So, imagine if you’re the family member who’s merely been sat in a front room, having made a pot of tea, simply to have the get-together blasted into smithereens by your daughter, granddaughter, son, neice or nephew? They’ve not slept for weeks (PTSD plus the do-I, don’t-I debate), and now they’re silently sitting with the teacup still shaking on its saucer, anxiously awaiting your answer.

Engage your brain before you speak. Your emotions are high, you don’t know what to believe, and the image of both the person before you and the man who abused them has been shattered like glass on concrete. Blurting out “I don’t consider you potentially activate an emotional flashback, will ostricize the sufferer, cause them to question themselves and their recollections and make you the target of frustration, rage and damage. Perhaps you can’t accommodate the picture of the accused with the accusation, but that doesn't mean it didn’t occur. So, think before you do and speak n’t undermine the guts it took for the sufferer to tell you.

Second, please, do not go and begin a fight with the accused. It helps nobody, least of all the sufferer. Going over there and having it out will result in the abuser denying everything, retaliating, possibly assaulting the first casualty or yourself. The victim has lost it if there is evidence that could be used in legal proceedings should they follow.

Remember that ‘outing’ an they will be exhausted, and an abuser is an extremely courageous choice for the sufferer. A game of 20 questions is not appropriate right now! To have been trusted enough to hear that they developed PTSD because of it and have suffered from abuse places you in a privileged place. Recall that, and try to refrain from asking about each detail of the abuse, the duration, if anyone else was involved, or the dreaded "why didn’t you tell us sooner?” Some of the answers won’t be clear to the sufferer (hint: specially the last one), and some of them hurt too much to talk about. Where you learn the facts of the trauma and the impact on the sufferer’s life since the time will come. Now is n’t confidential information it.

Enough of the don't’s. What should you do? Listening is important; being there and taking time to hear the sufferer is the best gift you'll be able to give them. Maybe the relief of having someone in the family know will bring about an outpouring of despair and emotion. Be there for them, and let them understand that you're available to talk with, if and when they desire. Offer support and give them the safe space they haven’t had to vent how they feel. On the flipside, the individual with PTSD might completely freak out and not need to say another word. Listening is important, even in the quiet. Make the person you love feel safe and supported and free to talk, or not discuss, request help, or not.

Do ordinary things with this man. Them having PTSD will not define them nor should it define your future relationship with them. Take them outside, encourage them to meet-ups (without the abuser present) and value them for who they are. As with bunches of mental illnesses, sometimes socializing appears hard, but even if you get discounted or rejected, continue while also letting them know it is okay for them not to join inviting them. Patience and empathy is the name of the game.

Additionally, look after yourself. Odds are the news has come as a jolt, and you're now struggling with conflicting emotions regarding the abuser, particularly if you are close to them and knew them well. It is clear to be confused and upset, so take a bit of time to process the information. Frequently it is helpful to speak with someone you know, about your feelings, such as counsellor or a friend. Getting an external perspective from someone who doesn’t understand the abuser or the PTSD sufferer can be useful. It is easy to feel like anything you do or say will be wrong, but really, you know the folks involved and how exactly to talk to them. Trust instinct and that knowledge.

I am only able to talk from personal experience, but hopefully there’s a nugget or two of advice in this section to help you learn about the abuse than can occur within.